My life was previously a steady slope of very high highs and very low lows. It was full of messiness and drama and alcohol and habits- coping mechanisms I used to get out of beating myself up after a late night of boozing and megabite pizza.
It was full of starving and binging, smoking and drinking, purging and pleasing, perfecting and experimenting.
But don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t all bad. Not even close. There was a lot of good that lead to a lot of great.
At 19 I had enough courage to leave an abusive relationship and travel the world. I tubed down the Nam Song river in Vang Vieng, I motorbiked around the Southern Isles of Thailand with my best friend on the back, I go-go danced in Darwin with some rockstar girls, I did alot of things I’ll never forget. I loved and laughed and lived to the fullest. I met beautiful people and slept in the sand, I adventured and explored and did what I did.
And after three years of life changing experiences, I returned to Canada with the intention to leave. The plan was to run down to Mexico and live under a palm tree, and given my history and my then latest adventures that would have been the norm.
Except there was only one problem. With every train, plane, bus and automobile I set foot on, so did my myriad of mental battles.
My head said go, but my heart said stay. My mind said keep running, but my wisdom said it’s time to slow down. My ego said do it, do it, but my intuition said don’t.
And the conflicting messages were part of what got me into trouble in the first place. I’d listen to one, then I’d listen to the other.
I’d lead with my heart then get caught in my head.
I’d feel good eating then my mind would say stop. I’d know my limit, but my head would say keep drinking. I’d have the ability to not smoke, then my mind would say go buy a pack.
And on and on–several habits, several neurosis later.
From eating disorder(s) to anxieties, to obsessive compulsive habits, to depression, to this and to that.
I was leading an amazing life, but it was time to get back to the girl in the picture– the one who was always carefree and smiling– the one I am now and was back then, before, beneath and beyond the habits of my mind. The child at the heart, the free adventurous spirit, the free flying soul.
It was time to find her, to free her again.
It was time to cultivate courage and bravery and embody heart and soul. It was time to stay put and do what it took to connect to her again.
It was time to feel the feels and face my fears. It was time to strip myself one by one of all of my coping mechanisms, all of my habits, all of my minds’ patterns to truly embrace life in all its’ glory and to truly embrace me for who I was (and am.)
And so I did.
I made the hardest and easiest decision I’ve ever made in my life: I chose to get better. I chose to heal. I made the decision to try and to succeed, no matter the discomforts I would face or endure. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew for damn sure that it was all going to be worth it.
I moved to a quiet and quaint little Coast town.
I bought, owned and operated a women’s gym.
I served every client in the best possible ways I knew how. I served with intention and the intention was pure. I wanted each and every person who walked through my door to know that there was someone to empower them, to inspire them, to support them, to be there for them, to believe in them.
I then met the love of my life and we settled down.
I calmed my lifestyle and created space for healing.
I then dedicated myself and my life to learning everything there was (and is) to know about how the mind works, and how us humans are designed.
I studied. I read. I enrolled in programs. I got a Life Coach then became a Life Coach. I did the hard things and got back to my true nature, the girl in the picture, the one before habits.
We bought a dream house and I gave birth to 7 pounds and 3 ounces of pure love and joy.
And I struggled again.
I got hit with Postpartum Anxiety and OCD hard. I was terrified to death of anything happening to her. I forgot everything I knew because she was a gamechanger. My heart quadrupled in size and so did my fears.
I sought medication as a means to an end. I bought myself time to sleep and understand once again, the difference between the chatter in our minds and who we truly are in our hearts.
I once again experienced and learned all too well, that who we are by nature is very much there just below the surface of the busyness. I once again learned that my mind could talk, but I didn’t have to listen. I once again learned that my mind is clever, but not so wise. I once again learned, that who I really am is love and wisdom, and peace from pain.
And now, here I am today, present and aware and loving unconditionally, courageous and myself and mostly habit-free– Im still human– and loving the little and big gifts in my life.
I spend most days in my garden and cuddling with my sweet babes, the furry one too.
My life is quieter and calmer and that’s how I love it.
I’m still the same girl at heart who loves a good country tune and a cold glass of rose, but my time has slowed down and so have my habits.
And my whole point in sharing this with you dear Warrior?
Is that despite my families’ opinion, I am not special. This is all entirely possible for you too, despite how impossible it feels at times.
I know that when we’re caught up in our thinking, our anxieties, and our minds’ ideas of how life is or should be, it doesn’t always feel like freedom is only one thought away. It’s not always easy to find our peace of mind in the moments that we crave it the most, but I can assure you it’s there, always, working by nature for you, directly below the surface pleasantries of your mind.
I also want to remind you that we are made of the same thing.
We have the same God given gift of awareness.
We have the same Universal abilities to make the choice to rise up.
We are the same innate health and well-being.
We are the same peace beneath our pains.
We were born with greatness.
We were born to live freely.
We, in our awareness, in our hearts and our souls were made and meant to fly freely in our physical bodies while we spend time here in Earth. It’s who we are.
Me, You, and the next person. It’s who and how we are in our true nature, when our minds are quiet and we’re embodying the awareness we were born as and into. It’s the peace we naturally feel and the love that comes forth when our souls speak.
I know firsthand that facing our fears and feeling our emotions can be scary at first, especially that first step, but it’s so much more real and exhilerating and 100% worth it on the other side; the journey home.
It takes time, and courage, but I wholeheartedly believe in you dear Warrior. I want you to fully embrace who it is that you are as your natural birthright—And then forgive yourself for being human when you leave your heart and enter your head.
I want you to know that I found freedom and peace of mind from anxieties, habits, patterns, and disorders, and I know that you can too.