This is tough for me to admit as it saddens me to look back on specific times in my journey, but I want to admit it to you because I know it something that may be of comfort.
I remember my baby shower like it was yesterday. There was tons of pink and flowers and good friends too. I was wearing a new grey dress that fit my cute little bump just perfectly. I was nervous as heck because I’m not good being the centre of attention, but I was excited more than anything to celebrate my girl.
I ordered her a ladybug cake and planned for weeks. I sent out handmade invitations that took hours upon hours to craft. I bought special stickers and polka dot napkins. I enlisted my Mum’s help and together we pulled it off.
It was a dream. I loved that special day. I will always remember that very, special, day.
I remember opening gift after gift and gift. I was definitely nervous but my best friend was there to hold my hand. I was so thankful. So grateful beyond words.
These were gifts for my baby, MY. BABY. They were truly so meaningful to Me.
They were all absolutely lovely gifts, but I remember being especially excited about one in particular. It was a bath tub. A baby bathtub. I was very excited about bath time with my baby. Excited for the bubbles, and the splashing and the rubber ducks too. I thought it was going to be a super fun part of being a Mum and having a baby. So I put my new tub and water toys aside and relished with excitement.
Fast forward a few months later. My girl had arrived and bath time had arrived. Finally. She was tiny and fragile and it was hard to do, but I was still very excited. It was nerve racking at first, but I slowly got the hang of it. I remember calling her Dad and work one day because I was so proud of myself for giving her not one, but two whole baths ALL BY MYSELF while he was gone.
I was getting good at this whole bath thing… or so I thought.
I started experiencing scary thoughts around bath time. I didn’t understand why and I thought I was a monster. I remember being embarrassed trying to explain it to my Mum, asking her if this was normal or if I was crazy or if she thought I needed help.
It was a dark and rainy day that day. I felt awful and scared and like no one would understand. I felt like a horrible person for experiencing such thoughts and I thought surely nobody else in the whole world would ever experience something like that.
I just had my baby. I absolutely loved bath time. What was wrong with me?
It took a lot of support and a lot of strength, courage, hope, and love, but I finally realized that there was nothing wrong with Me.
I had simply become a Mum. A Mum who loved her child more than anything in the world. A mum who was overwhelmed by the all consuming, can’t get enough of her ever, kind of love.
At the time I didn’t realize that my brain was supercharged and trying to keep both of us safe, and at the time I didn’t realize that it’s job was to come up with all of those interesting scenarios.
But I remember being told that I was not the thinker, the one responsible for thinking those thoughts, and I remember that being a big weight off my shoulders. And now I want to reaffirm that to you dear Warrior, that neither are you. I want to reaffirm that they are an innocent manifestation of energy brought to life by our very human consciousness. It certainly took me a while to see that for myself, that I was not some horrible monster that I made myself out to be. Rather I was an overtired, overwhelmed new Mum who loved her baby more than anything in the whole world, and the power of that love had simply, overwhelmed Me.
So bath time would come and bath time would go. Sometimes I would experience the thoughts and just power through it, and sometimes I wouldn’t experience them and it would be fun… just like I had envisioned when I opened the tub.
I experienced them sometimes and not others because our thoughts are always constantly moving and never permanent. Sometimes I would innocently get caught in my thinking and other times I would see past it. Sometimes it would linger and sometimes it would pass.
But as the time passed I slowly got better. I slowly started to see more and more that I was not my thinking and that my brain was simply trying to help. I slowly started to see that the scary thoughts weren’t real or a reflection of who I was. I started to see that the thoughts were a reflection of exactly what I didn’t want and not the other way around.
I started to believe in me again. I started to believe that I was still there. I started to believe that I was still that same girl who had the baby shower filled with excitement. I started to see that I had more love for this child than I ever thought possible.
But most importantly, I started to see that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was (and still am) as healthy as I was the day I was born.
I started to see that my thoughts were merely my human weather passing through, and like all weather it naturally changes and dissipates on its own.
I gave myself tons of love and followed my wisdom.
And back then, I never ever thought the time would come that I wouldn’t be scared of bath time…
But now I can tell you this:
It is now one of my absolutely favourite activities and I love it more than anything. She splashes and laughs and quacks like a duck. It’s better than I ever could have imagined, or thought back then, and it’s more and more fun with each passing day.
So please dear Warrior, I want you to know that if you are still experiencing scary thoughts from time to time, or you experience discomfort around a certain subject, thought, or activity, that this can and will one day be you. There will come a day where you are no longer afraid and it will be a thing of the past. A big deal of course, because honoring our journey is very important, but none the less it will be in the past and you too, can and will find enjoyment in whatever you two may do.
Just continue to believe in yourself day in and day out. Believe in yourself like I believe in you. Because I know that one day, sooner than later, that this will be you.