The third part of my recovery series is here.
My rough beginning into Motherhood started with anxious thinking, which intertwined with depressive thinking which both ended up being a very innocent addiction to my thinking. I mean, how could one not become consumed and addicted to their thinking when they have such seemingly scary thoughts as I did, and they feel like they’ve gone crazy? I say very innocent because of course I didn’t enjoy the records being constantly played and of course I didn’t enjoy how they made me feel.
However, what I didn’t understand back then that I very clearly understand now is that there was (and is) nothing wrong with me. Nothing wrong with you. Nothing wrong with us. We are care-free, habit-free and peaceful by nature before our thinking. It is who we are when we “feel like ourselves” and when we have trust and believe in ourselves.
And without further adieu, part three:
Dear Compulsive Thoughts: Thank You. I love you. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.
I have to admit, you’re clever gals. Time, and time, and time again you took me by surprise. You managed to fool me, almost, completely!
I kept believing you over and over and over again as if your ideas were truth. You’d come and you’d go, you’d come and you’d go and you’d come and you’d go, all day then all night. And then again. And again after that. And again after that.
Honestly, I have to hand it to you, you knew what you were doing and you were very good at your craft. I’ve tried several times to master the art of repetition in the ways that you do, but I see now that I was not born with your talent. I was in no way, no shape, no form, born with your talent.
And that regardless of your wit, and your charm, and your suggestions I wanted to say that it’s time we part ways.
Now, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way because I know we have history, a lot of time spent, but in the nicest way possible, I simply no longer require your assistance.
I finally figured you out. I finally realized that your intentions were pure. I finally realized that you were merely trying to help.
I now see that you’re like that poor stray cat up the street, I innocently kept feeding you so you innocently kept coming around. No wonder. You were hungry and I innocently kept feeding you.
I apologize to you and I apologize to Me. I have a hard time with that. I’ve always had a hard time with that; with innocently just wanting to help. I couldn’t help but analyze you. I have a great big heart and I wanted to believe you..your stories..your ideas..your innocent suggestions. I just wanted to understand you.
Please believe me when I say that I am not mad. I am not sad. I am not anything ill will.
What I am, however, is appreciative of your hard work. I appreciate you coming, again and again, thought after thought. I now understand that you were only doing what you know how to do. And I do want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for making sure that I was safe, that my baby was safe, that we were all safe. Again. And Again. And Again.
Really, and truly, thank you. I don’t know too many people that care as much as you do, or that try as hard as you do, or that continue to help even though the relationship wasn’t ever reciprocated.
I want to take a moment and apologize, to let you know how sorry I am that I kept treating you like you were a threat, and that I kept treating you like I needed to put up a fight.
I guess what I am trying to say compulsive thoughts, is that I am sorry for trying to resist you, and innocently feed you as I now know that you were just fine. I know a lot more now than I did back then and I will apply my new knowledge to our relationship going forward.
With all this being said, I need you to know that I have realized I am just fine. I am just fine on my own and I have always been. So as we part ways, please be assured that I’m being taken care of. I am in grateful, peaceful, more than loving hands and I am ready to walk alone as I can now, hold my own.
I am free, and full of love, and my heart is content.
Whether there’s truth to it or not, I’ve heard that you can’t fully love someone without loving yourself first, and..well.. dearest intrusive thoughts, I love me again and as a result, I love you too, but I am ready to let you go.
Thank you. I love you. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.
Our urges to innocently believe our thinking are just like cravings for chocolate, or wine, or perhaps cigarettes, only with those kinds of behaviours they are easier to recognize.
With our compulsive thoughts, our brain plays records all day long because we innocently buy into our thinking. We innocently believe it because it seems so compelling and it seems so true. The urge to investigate by judging and fearing and analyzing is very strong and the content is very intriguing. They of course feel very scary and they of course feel very true, but that is partially because we’re really good people with really big hearts and partially because we are innocently believing them as if they were true. We are innocently believing our fears, our imaginations on overdrive.
And exactly like the stray cat I spoke of, if I kept feeding it, it would still come around. I know they say that about wildlife too, if we innocently feed it thinking we are doing it a favor it will keep coming back for more. Only, we don’t realize that we are hindering it’s abilities to feed on its’ own because it will become dependent on us. The same goes for our compulsive thinking.
However, just like the wildlife, we are built and made to be able to function on our own. We are built and made to have our minds clear and we are built and made as whole, peaceful humans.
Our repetitive thought patterns come from a very old part of our brain that is clever but not so wise. Our brain is just doing what it knows how to do: repeat patterns. It’s not you, it’s doesn’t mean anything about you as a person, as a Mother, as a spouse, it is simply your brain doing what it does.
But it is not as wise as we are. Not even close. It does not know that we are safe, that we are secure, that we are loved without it. It doesn’t fully grasp that we are capable of making our own decisions and that we don’t need it’s suggestions.
We innocently get caught and we innocently follow the urge- the compelling thought- because it seems very scary and it seems like it should require our attention. We’re human, after all. We all have minds and we all get caught listening, and that’s okay. It happens to all of us. All of us.
But what’s the most important thing to know is that we are separate beings from our thinking, from our brains. We are much bigger, much, much bigger.
And we are wiser. Much, much, wiser. We have our wisdom, our intuition, our hearts and our souls.
We know what’s best for us and we know how to live our lives. We just have to remind ourselves of this when we are tired, or hormonal, or overwhelmed with to’-do’s and being hard on ourselves for not being better. Or enough. Or further ahead.
We have to remind ourselves that we have the answers within. That we are our own best friends and that we are more than capable of running our lives.
We have to remind ourselves that who we are is love, and that love is what we deserve. We have to give ourselves more of it when we are feeling afraid and we have to be kind to ourselves during the process. We have to remind ourselves that we’re only human doing what we know how to do.
We must meet ourselves where we are and allow ourselves to be there.
Of course it’s not easy allowing scary thoughts in our awareness, but we are the ones who are aware, who are understanding, we are not the thinkers or the thoughts themselves.
We are the strong, independent, courageous women underneath.
We are wise, and loving, and peaceful by nature.