My head and my heart played games all day. My head had an agenda and my heart said no.
They battled each other all day long taking me on all sorts of different rides, all over the map. I felt every emotion under the sun- good ones, bad ones, ugly ones and everything in between.
My head said, “You should be doing more. You should feel this way instead of that way. What if this were to happen? What if that were to happen?” (My “New Mum anxiety” talking).
And my heart said…
“Do less. It’s okay to just be. Just be with your daughter, smell her baby smell and kiss her sweet cheeks. It’s okay to do nothing. And those bad things you worry about- that’s just your imagination. Try not to let them scare you. They’re not love, dear, they’re not truth.”
Can you remember a day like that? A day where your mind chatter took over and the calm whispers of your wisdom were drowned out by the noise? A day where you wished you didn’t have certain thoughts and a day where you would have loved to silence the chatter box upstairs?
So the day went on and I had moments of peace and clarity where I was able to be fully present with my daughter, and I had moments of anxiousness and worry where I was lost in the plot wishing it would be another way.
I knew deep down it was all okay. I knew deep down my wisdom was there underneath my layered thoughts and I knew deep down as soon as I let go of wanting it to be different things would change.
I am human. I have good days and bad and everything in between.
I did the best I could with what I had and I carried on loving my daughter in the best ways I knew how with the thinking I had.
I knew it was time to settle into my mood versus wish it away. Settle into my emotions and allow myself the room to feel.
When we are experiencing a lot of emotions we are experiencing a lot of thought. Our feelings are a great guage of our of clarity in the moment. I knew from my feelings I was not seeing clearly. I knew that the scary things my imagination were cooking up were not true. It doesn’t mean they didn’t bring a funky feeling with them, but I knew it was all okay. I knew my mind would clear and I knew I would eventually bounce back- as it always does and I always do.
Often when we allow ourselves to feel how were feeling without wishing it away, we actually allow room for our feelings to change. We allow space for new thinking and we allow for that thinking to bring new feelings. Our old thoughts blow away like dandelions in the wind.
With the new feelings come more of what we want.
When we get more of what we want we see more clearly, and when we see more clearly we no longer wish for it to be another way.
Settling into our moods can be uncomfortable and seem like just the opposite of what we want to do at the time, but often when we learn to make peace with how we feel then feelings of peace will come.
I will always do the best I can at loving you my darling girl, always and forever. This I promise you.