It’s not like the commercials on TV where the kids are always smiling and wearing clean clothes. It’s not like the movies where your makeup and hair are done, let alone perfect. And it’s not like those flawless family photographs you see in store bought frames where everyone’s smiles are perfectly timed.
It’s even better. Much. Much. Better.
Not to say that those things don’t sometimes happen, they do, but rarely in the same day.
Motherhood is more like savoring the sweet smiles that instantly melt your heart when they sporadically come. It’s more like balancing a super tight squeeze like hug with an i-better-not-squeeze-too-tight-or-her-head-might-pop-off like hug. It’s more like wanting your little to go to sleep while secretly being excited for her to wake up.
It’s a crazy thing. Motherhood. No wonder why it comes with so many emotions. Intense ones. Of all kinds.
I love the one that you get when you smell the back of their neck, like it’s some sort of instant ticket to unconditional love land. Or the one you get when they laugh at something only a baby would find funny. Or the one you get when they do something new for the first time, the melt your heart feel-love-all-over-your-body one.
I don’t love the one that comes with worrying about whether I should feel guilty for a little me time or not. I don’t love the one that comes with the sometimes overwhelming responsibilities of motherhood. And I especially don’t like the one I get when my imagination takes a turn into never never land. For that one, dislike is an understatement. Frightening is close and wanting it to go away immediately is much more accurate.
However, what I have learned about emotions is that they are a good guide, a navigation system, of how we are using our thinking for- or against- us, in the moment.
When I am feeling the wanting-it-to-go-away – immediately feeling, I know I am innocently leading myself astray from my home base, my unconditional love place and going on an adventure in my mind.
I am in my head, believing my thinking and mistaking it as truth. My guide tells me loud and clear that I am no longer in my heart.
I can go from one to the other, almost instantaneously without even realizing it.
It is then when I pull out my compass, the one on the left side of my chest and ask myself this.
“Is it coming from a place of love, dear?”
If the answer is no, I know to do this.
I become silent. I become still. I watch my thoughts before me and I find my peace amidst the chaos of my mind.
I centre back to love. To who I really am, the person who is beneath the layered thoughts. It is from there where I see that I got caught up in my imagination, running wild. Running free.