Shortly after giving birth to my beautiful Daughter, I began experiencing what is known as Postpartum Anxiety, Depression and OCD.
I began experiencing very scary, very repetitive, very intrusive thoughts about both her and myself, and I began experiencing very uncomfortable emotions that came with them. I innocently googled in search of answers, and I innocently became crippled with anxiety. I innocently read and I became riddled with pain.
I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why I was having such horrifying thoughts about the precious gift before Me, and I didn’t understand why it was happening to Me. Was I a horrible monster? Was I going crazy? Was there something wrong with Me? These were only some of the questions my head was spinning with.
It wasn’t until I nearly swerved into the wrong lane because of not being able to think straight, that I white-knuckled myself to the Doctor with my daughter asleep in the backseat. She was so new. She was so precious. She was (and is) the best thing that had ever happened to Me.
I told the Doctor I didn’t feel right. I told her I didn’t feel like myself. I told her that I thought something was wrong with Me. I confessed to having thoughts about harmful things, and I confessed to experiencing visions of them happening. The pain I felt was indescribable and nothing like I had ever felt before.
I thought being a new Mum was supposed to feel good? I thought being a new Mum was supposed to be filled with love and laughter and happy moments? I thought being a new Mum was supposed to feel like the opposite of what I was feeling?
She told Me that I was not the first person on earth to have that particular experience. She told Me that I wasn’t alone. She told me a few more things, things that I did not understand or see at the time, but things I definitely understand and see now. She told me that some of the most caring, most nurturing, most loving Mothers have had the same kind of experience. I remember feeling relieved by that comment and for a moment, a little better than before.
Thank god for her. Thank god for that. Thank god for Me listening to my wisdom to ask for help.
I remember feeling relieved that I hadn’t gone crazy, but I didn’t completely trust what was happening, so I asked for medication because I had a feeling it could be a while until I felt better. I asked for medication with the intention of buying myself time to figure out what was going on in my mind.
I’ll never forget that day. It was the day I began my medication, but it was also the day that I just knew everything was going to be okay. I used it as a means to an end while I did my research. I began to empower myself with awareness and understanding, bravery and courage, love and hope so that I could look myself and my baby girl in the eyes without being afraid of the thoughts in my mind and the feelings in my body. I wanted nothing more than smell her, and cherish her, and love her to pieces. What I didn’t see back then, was that I already did. What I didn’t see back then was that I already loved her so insanely much, that I was I terrified of anything happening to her.
As the days passed I slowly got better. I would get up then I would get down, I would feel good then I would feel bad, and I’d repeat as much as I needed to, but I would never give up. I made a decision to take charge, and I made a decision to do whatever it was that I needed to do, to feel better. I practiced compassion and self-care, forgiveness and kindness. I forgave myself a lot and kept reached out when I needed to.
I then continued on a path that I had previously begun walking. I continued studying and understanding how the mind works, and I continued finding truths about who we are beneath its’ patterns, ideas and suggestions. I continued to believe in myself day in and day out and I continued to educate myself on how being human really works.
I just knew I could do it. I had already overcome eating disorders, anxieties, habits, addictions, and compulsive behaviors of all kinds, but simply lost my footing with this new experience. I simply lost my footing after having my baby and I simply lost my footing after thinking this was different; that it was something permanent. I thought the new set of thoughts and a new set of feelings that came with postpartum anxiety made me somehow different from other humans because of course, I was terrified.
But I was wrong. I was so wrong. I couldn’t have been further from the truth. It was innocent of course, but I forgot who I was. I forgot what I have available to me at all times and I forgot what I already know. I innocently believed the thoughts and I innocently believed the stories my anxiety told Me.
If I could go back and hold that girl, and hug that girl, and tell her that everything would be okay I would. If I could go back and tell that girl that her mind is in overdrive trying to protect her baby, that her innate wellness is perfectly alive inside her I would. If I could go back and tell that girl that she is a far better Mom that she’s giving herself credit for and she is a far better fit than anyone else for the job, I would. But since that girl is Me, I have forgiven myself for forgetting and not knowing. And in the process, I have reclaimed my power in understanding and knowing and have seen my way out of my suffering.
I saw my way out by truly seeing that I am separate from the thoughts generated by my mind. I saw that who I am beneath its’ patterns, ideas and suggestions is love and wisdom and peace from pain. I saw that who I am by nature is clear and full of wisdom. I saw that who I am has never, and will never, go anywhere because those qualities are what I’m made of. I saw that who I am beneath my thinking and feeling is a kind heart and a very nurturing soul. I saw that by nature, not only I, but all of humanity embodies this gift, this ability, and the only qualification for using it to its’ full potential, is being human.
The gift of awareness and being and seeing life from a higher and newer and more peaceful perspective.
And this is what I do now…
I help empower others to see their way up and out of their suffering by bringing them home to who they inherently are beneath their minds ideas and labels. I help them see that we all have a safety net available to us at all times and I help them see that they are okay and that they are, by nature, the help they’re searching for. I help them see that just below the surface is the key to ending their suffering for good. I help them see that they have all of the wisdom, all of the peace, all of the answers and good feelings they’re longing for.
I help them regain their peace of mind and feel like themselves again by showing them that it hasn’t, and they haven’t ever gone anywhere.
So please dear Warrior, if you ever feel like reaching out, please do, that’s what I’m here for. I know that if I am capable of this, then you are too.
May you receive the peace, love, courage & strength that I am sending your way.