I wanted to kick off the New Year with a story of being human, because it’s important that we acknowledge and share and call our humanness- our ability to fall down and get back up- because the more we (and others) breathe out and honour the truths of our lives, the less alone and scared we tend to feel. We see that we are not an anomaly and that we are in fact, just like others.
I’d be lying if I said Christmas and the holidays were easy, they weren’t.
Not because it was the holidays themselves that were a problem, but my reaction to them that didn’t sit well.
They started off on the “right” foot, but quickly went down hill when I made a very classic, very human mistake.
I tried to be strong when I would have greatly benefited with allowing myself to be weak.
I have lots to be grateful for– A beautiful roof over my head, good food in the fridge, a beautiful and healthy child, and an adoring and doting fiance. Honestly, if I never acquired another thing in my life, when my soul left this Earth, (hopefully not for a long time!) I’d leave a happy woman because I’d leave knowing I have everything in my life that I’ve ever wanted. That’s a big statement, I know, but its the truth.
More things– like a bigger house and more plentiful garden would be fun, but they certainly aren’t necessary or vital to my happiness.
Anything else, would be a blessing.
So Christmas came, and Christmas went. And just as fast as it came, it was gone in an instant.
I spent the day with my Daughter, just the two of us, walking along the beach, and cuddling by the fire. There is nothing more in the entire world that I would rather do than hold me child and take in the sweet smells of her natural baby perfume. Nothing.
But there was an essential part of our clan missing: Papa Bear. He was at work. Doing what he does, doing what he does to help with the beautiful roof and the food in the fridge. And while I knew what the plan was, and I knew what was coming, I pretended that I didn’t care. That it didn’t matter. That I didn’t miss him every minute that he was gone.
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to count my blessing instead of feel my sorrows. I wanted to accept my non acceptance.
But there was only one problem– it just, didn’t, work.
I’m human. I have emotions. I feel joy. I feel pain. I feel energy. I feel all sorts of great things, but I didn’t allow myself to feel this.
I pushed my sadness below the surface. I buried the tears in the pit of my stomach. I closed my heart and put up my wall. I retracted and shutdown and did everything I know how to do, everything I’ve innocently trained myself to do over the years, but nothing I wanted to do.
I wanted to stay open. I wanted to say I miss you. I wanted to hug, and to kiss, and to embrace the little time we had together.
But I didn’t. I ruined it. I sabotaged it. I fell into old traps.
I’m human. It happens. But this is why it’s so important to be aware of our patterns, and to consciously choose to love ourselves through the process of the pain; the process of them visiting.
So you don’t have to feel like I did. So you don’t have to have a stress knot in your stomach. So you don’t have to feel pressure in your body.
This is why it’s so important for us feel our feelings. We are human. We are supposed to have them. They are good. They are safe. They are to be trusted- including the uncomfortable ones because they too, are simply indicating how we are innocently going against the grain of our wisdom and listening to our heads over our hearts.
We humans are meant to feel and release. To feel and release.
True, raw, emotion doesn’t last long, about 60 seconds, it is only our innocent thoughts and stories about them that hang around longer than we wish.
Emotions are beautiful. They are the rivers running through our veins and they are the sparks in our hearts. They are our friends, our navigators in life. They are our deckhands that sail us through rough seas. They are a very large part of our universal gifts.
We were given the ability to feel them for a reason.
Not to push them away. Not to pretend we don’t feel them. Not to numb them with various things.
But to feel them.
So I did what I know how to do until I pressure cooked and combusted. I knew what I was doing– but I was too stubborn not to, and it didn’t benefit me in the least.
But knowing and recognizing the pattern, and allowing myself to finally feel the sadness, is exactly what allowed me to get back to my true nature, my river of joy, my peace and contentment, my permanent place.
It was an experience. A human experience. A learning experience. I forgive myself for the process, and I strengthened once again, my muscle of vulnerability which I know for sure leads to the truth.
The truth of my heart. The kindness of my soul. The place I call home, the place I love most.
And the beauty dear Warrior, of these kinds of learning experiences is that by the time our consciousness has evolved and the lesson has come forward, the next one is already one it’s way. Life is an ever changing, ever evolving, beautifully transforming lesson to the next. And with each one learned, we come closer and closer to our true nature, the truth of our heart, the wisdom of our soul. With each one learned, the rivers running through our veins turn from sadness and sorrow, to beauty and the deep, everlasting love that we are. With each one learned, we touch our souls in ways our human minds can’t explain.
We’re not here to be perfect, we’re here to be human. We’re here to take in whatever is important for the evolution of our soul, and move forward with love.
Happy New Year. I love you. Thank you for being human.