10.5 months ago I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl and my life completely changed. 8.5 months ago I was ready to check myself into the psych ward (literally) because I didn’t think I was “cut out” for being a Mom. I thought my daughter would be much better off with someone else, someone who knew how to be a Mom.
Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. It brings tears to my eyes looking back seeing how much pain I was in, because I now see that I had already loved her so much that I just wanted what was best for her, (even though, at the time, I worried I didn’t love her enough).
Before embarking on this journey, I never knew what “intrusive thoughts” were. I had experienced them before, but I never realized that they went by that name and that I would enter such a close relationship with them.
As time went by and the sleepless nights crept in, the anxious thinking mind took over. As Albert Einstein once said, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant.”
He was right.
It was my rational mind that was so concerned about the well-being of my Daughter that it kept saying things like “Make sure you don’t drop her. Make sure you look both ways 10 times each direction before crossing. Make sure you have a safety plan for someone to take care of her in case you go crazy.”
And it was my intuitive mind that just knew we were going to be okay. It was my intuitive mind that just knew there was a way through this, and it was my intuitive mind that just knew I could do this.
I lost myself somewhere between overwhelm, thinking I was a horrible monster for experiencing such horrific thoughts, and thinking I was a terrible person, a terrible mother.
The feelings were real. The panic was real. The urge to want to take it out on myself was real. I was so confused. I was so scared. I was so alone.
There was a lot I didn’t know at the time, but there is a lot I know now. A lot I want to share with You, so You can be better equipped to empower yourself to move forward with love.
My intuitive mind was there with me all along, 100% of the time, and it will always be there for you too. I just didn’t realize it wasn’t me, but my rational mind that so innocently took over.
What I didn’t see at the time was the difference between my rational mind and my intuitive mind. What I didn’t see was that my intuitive mind loved my baby so much that the servant, my rational mind, was instinctively trying to take care of us by thinking of all the possibilities it could to keep us safe. What I was too foggy to see at the time was that all I had to do was see that my love was already at work.
I was too entrapped in anxiety and panic that I also didn’t see that anything that feels urgent, chatty, repetitive, story-like or brings forth such terrible feelings is coming from that thinking mind. The one that tries its’ best, but sometimes gets it’s wires crossed. I was too curled up in the fetal position to see that none of this was real. Of course thefeelings were real, but the thoughts were not. I was too scared to see the truth, that I was totally still there, underneath my crazy feeling thoughts. That me, and my intuitive mind, we hadn’t gone anywhere. We were just laying underneath the blankets, underneath our layers of thoughts.
So what I really want you to know, is that if you ever feel this way: scared, panicked, crazy, horrible, like a terrible person or like a terrible Mom, it’s a good time to slow time and reconnect to your heart.
It’s a sure sign that you’re in your thinking and that thinking feels and looks real. It’s a sure sign that you’ve got blinders on and that you’re innocently seeing life through a filtered lens. It’s a sure sign that you’re in your own movie and that movie feels real.
It’s a good sign to slow down and love yourself kindly and compassionately. There is truth in love as love is truth. It isn’t chatty, it isn’t scary, it isn’t repetitive, it isn’t story-like and it isn’t lying.
It makes you feel good again. It makes you shine like the love and light that you are. It helps you see the truth through a very clear lens when it would otherwise look muddy.
It speaks the truth and shows you who you are. The love, the peace, the wisdom of you. I’m sure you’re familiar with the You I’m talking about. The one that just feels good. The one you know you are even when you don’t like yourself.
As humans, we innocently get caught in our thinking, all the time, and the thoughts can be so compelling that they feel real, but all we have to do is get back to our home base, our true nature, and we can see that we are perfectly okay, more than okay, that we are love.
And the only thing we ever have to do is slow down, breathe and reconnect to our hearts.
Now don’t get me wrong, our rational minds are faithful servants for a reason. They mean well, they mean very well, and they do a good job, but they are not quite as wise as our intuitive minds. They can’t always tell what’s best and they don’t always know how wise we really are.
They can’t always tell that our intuition is the most sacred gift of all and that a Mother’s intuition is the most powerful source of wisdom we will ever know.
Ps- Today, I have the most wonderful relationship with my Daughter I could have ever dreamed about. We have that sacred bond, the one that magic, dreams and love are made of. She is my everything. She is my world. She is my light.