In spite of my Daughter’s first birthday coming up I wanted to share a special story with you.
It’s pretty amazing to see how far we can come and how far we can go when we commit to loving ourselves through the process of healing. Through the process of life. Through the process of falling down and picking ourselves up.
Almost one year ago today, I sat on a rock in this very same spot (I write to you from the beach), with my two week old Daughter snuggled tightly to my chest wondering what was wrong with me.
My mind was busy and I felt so confused. The chatter started at the hospital when I didn’t have that instant fall in love feeling that most mothers spoke of, and every time I got asked if I had experienced it my stomach sank lower and lower. I felt sicker and sicker. More horrible and more horrible. Like a terrible Mom and my journey had just began.
When I sat on this rock almost one year ago today, I realized that I was still harboring a seemingly necessary, but completely unnecessary pattern of pushing loved ones away. Of course it wasn’t what I wanted at all, but I innocently thought that I needed protection and the easiest way to stay safe was to stay guarded. It took me a long time to realize that this was only prolonging the process of feeling love (which is what I ultimately wanted) because I was only building barriers around myself and locking my deepest love inside. Me.
I realized that day almost one year ago today, that I wasn’t giving myself permission to open up to receive the love from my daughter I so desperately wanted to feel, or the love from myself that I so desperately needed to feel. I realized that day that I was scared of love. Scared of love in a very big way. Scared so much of love that I had trouble opening up to my own Daughter, the love of my life.
The next few months became a roller coaster of messy. I was up and down and loving and fearing. How could I function as the one solely responsible for ensuring the safety and livelihood of the one person who scared me to death? It was like waking up and facing my worst fears every, single, day, sometimes multiple times a day.
But luckily for me I understood what was happening, so I was able to see through my minds ideas and barriers so I could begin the process of healing. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but of course a million times worth it. My reality was dark and gloomy and highly unpleasant. I experienced thoughts I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, ever, and a reality much the same. It was sad and scary and indescribable. Of course it was subjective so I felt all alone.
However, I slowly realized that I was not the monster that I thought I was and I slowly realized that my brain was doing the best it knew how to it. These horrific thoughts I speak of were simply my mind drumming up everything it possibly could to ensure the safety and sanctity of our bond. Little did I realize that my love for her was already so strong that everything scared me even though it felt much like the opposite. I would quickly get caught in thought and slowly see my way out. Time, and Time, and time again.
Throughout my journey, I loved myself through a compassionate lens and treated myself like someone I cherished.
You see, I feared her but I loved her. I feared not loving her enough which I now see was loving her more than enough. Way more than enough. Way more than I ever thought possible.
Fast forward many anxieties, many intrusive thoughts, many uncomfortable feelings later.
I sit here today. I sit here today with gratitude pouring from deep within my soul because I see and I feel. I see and I feel that I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid of my experience and that alone has changed my world. I am no longer afraid of my thinking because I know that is not the inherent truth. I am no longer afraid of the uncomfortable feelings that follow because I know they are guiding me. I am no longer afraid of being human because I know that my mind is built to clear and I am built to bounce back.
That alone has changed everything. I can and will go on. I can and will go in with occasional days of discomfort, and thoughts I don’t love, (because I am human), but through this thinking and through this feeling I will love. I will love with everything I have because I can see and feel that I am love. I can see and feel that I don’t have to be afraid because I can see and feel that my thoughts and feelings are safe. I can see and feel the my emotions are merely a navigation system of how I am experiencing thought in the moment.
I can see and feel that….
I, my soul, was here all along. I, my soul, was here guiding my way through the confusion, the darkness, the discomfort and the pain. Even when I felt alone, even when I didn’t feel quite like myself, I, my soul, was here all along.
I’d get glimpses of peace between my minds’ chatter and see that my soul was still there underneath. Underneath the noise and underneath the programming. Underneath the always changing, never permanent, surface stuff.
I listened to my heart and I trusted what it said. It told Me that love is safe. That it is safe to love. It told me that I am who I am and to love who I am. It told me that I haven’t got anywhere, that I am here and that I never did. I was always there. I am always here.
That I am here to say I love you through her eyes to her soul. That I am here to say I love me and I haven’t gotten lost. That I am here to say that I am love, I am peace, I am my gentle soul. I know who I am and who I am is love.