Letting go of control can feel like one of the most difficult things we as humans can do when we’re feeling threatened. Especially when we’re feeling threatened, because of course, it isn’t a conscious doing.
We don’t think to ourselves, “I’m in pain right now, how may I best control this situation so I don’t feel my distressing feelings when they arise.” Of course not.
Control–or love wrapped in fear–was at the very root and very heart of every single one of my mental battles. Anorexia, Bulemia, Anxiety, OCD.. to name a few.
It was never about the food, or the looks, or the person or the situation, it was always about being afraid. It was always, 100% of the time, about being afraid of losing love or feeling the pain of losing love.
I controlled my portions because it felt like if I had control over my food I had control over past heartbreaks. I had the upper hand.
I controlled my purging because it felt like if I took a stand over not eating I had control over the pain I was feeling. I didn’t need to feel that pain.
I controlled my relationship because it felt like if I had control over that I had control over never having to lose love. Never Again I thought.
At some of my lowest points in my experience with anxiety and OCD–when I was suffering the hardest– it was because in those moments, my brain tried create (and recreate ten times over) the “perfect” scenario to ensure I felt loved, only it had the opposite effect. It tried to create and recreate the perfect scenario to ensure that everything was okay between both me and my loved ones.
My mind would obsess about it all, day, long.
It said that everything has to be perfect between you three all of the time. And being perfect meant a myriad of things that my mind made up in order to feel in control of the situation.
It meant always feeling 100% on my game and in charge. In charge of my thoughts–which is impossible because (despite popular belief) we as humans don’t have control over what shows up–but in charge of creating the perfect moments too.
It told Me that if things weren’t perfect there was something wrong with us. As a couple, as a family.
I didn’t see it at first.
Our minds are very clever, and very persistent. I experienced many foggy days when the pattern would emerge, until I finally said it is what it is; until i finally admitted defeat.
In that moment– the very moment I gave up trying to figure things out– my wisdom spoke softly and gently in the loving way that it does.
It said so simply yet so profoundly: Its Okay. Meaning, it’s okay to feel the way I felt. It’s okay for things not to be perfect all of the time. Of course this is something I knew, but something my mind had trouble letting go of.
And it was in that moment that I finally saw, what had been going on for so long.
I finally saw that my brain remembered every good moment, and every bad moment in my relationship, and tried to create and force the good ones (obsessive compulsively) every second of every day, in order to prevent the “bad” ones.
It tried to recreate yesterday’s to ensure safe tomorrows. It tried to create past feelings to prevent future conflicts.
Only it didn’t have the wisdom to know that everything was and always will be, okay.
It didn’t have the wisdom to know that good moments come, and good moments go, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t more on their way.
It didn’t have the wisdom to know that it doesn’t have to try and control life, because life unfolds through us.
It didn’t have the wisdom to know that love, and feelings of love, are naturally apparent before and underneath control.
It didn’t know that love is who and what we are, and the all encompassing good feeling that love is can never be lost.
It confused me for a long time, and it was exhausting trying to create every day to be the same for fear of losing love.
But thankfully, the minute I stopped holding my breathe– holding the fear in place by mistakenly thinking it needed examining– new breathe came rushing in. My wisdom spoke and I was able to naturally let go.
I was able to let go of my minds need for control in order to try and keep me and my relationship sacred.
In that same minute, I received everything I’d been trying so hard to get.
I received love, and I received it in a big way.
Because our minds don’t understand that love is the foundation of who we are and that letting go of fear, and control, is one of the fastest ways we can reconnect with our soul, with who we are. They don’t understand that by surrendering, we naturally are the feeling we’ve been longing to feel by trying to exert control.
It can be difficult when we get caught in the cycle, there’s no doubt about that.
But when we are able to love ourselves through the process of pain, we give ourselves permission to appear.
And by appearing, our patterns disappear.
We see that we– our souls– are at the very heart of what we’re longing for, that we are and have always been, the foundation for all abundance; we are love. We are it and it is us.
We see that we don’t have to be perfect, look perfect, have perfect partners or perfection children in order to feel what we naturally are before and beneath our minds loving ideas of what it all means.
And that Dear Warrior, is true love and freedom.