I want to tell you a story. A story of triumph. A story of liberation. A story of truth.
My journey thus far hasn’t been an easy one, not at all. I have struggled very hard at times, hit an all time low and been extremely afraid at others. I’m sure you know this by now.
I live in this beautiful place. This beautiful quiet place surrounded by water and old green trees that smells of salt water and breeds fresh air.
I moved here for a sense of calm and peace, back in the day when I was trying to overcome my eating disorder. That was quite a while ago now though, 6ish years in fact.
I bought, owned and operated a women’s gym because my dream, at the time, was to recover, myself, and to help others along their journey of health while I was on mine. Back then I made a promise. A promise to myself to always be there for others who needed support.
It was beautiful. It was liberating. It was very hard work, but it was amazing. It was worth every struggle, even rock bottom. I learned so much, so, incredibly much. I struggled harder than ever and bounced back stronger than ever. I am sure that is is a huge reason why I am so strong today. And the best part is, I got to see and help others rise too. I saw so many great things over those few years, and met so many amazing people while I was it.
Anyway, when I took the risk and uprooted my life into this beautiful, quaint, small town I left part of my family behind. My brother; he’s one of my best friends, and my Dad; he’s one of my safety nets. I miss them a lot, but it’s just a ferry ride that separates us so it’s not all that bad.
So what I’m getting at is...
This past weekend was a game changer for me. Since my journey of healing through PPD and PPA I used to be afraid of going on the boat in case my daughter would fall off, or I accidentally throw her off, or the boat would capsize or maybe I would even simply have a panic attack. You’re not mistaken either, you did read that correctly, that I would accidentally throw her off. PPA, seriously, it’s strange and terrifying. Of course that’s my worst nightmare, but that’s what PPA is like. Your brain scans for danger and alerts you of every possible thing that can go wrong as an attempt to protect you and your baby, only it feels like it’s the other way around. I’ll save that for my next letter, though.
So this weekend.. It was Easter.. full of eggs and ham and chocolate and goodness.
My family in the city invited me for dinner but I hesitated for days and said no. I cant. And then last minute my heart refueled with love said, “Go.” You got this Mama. Warrior. It’s in you to go. Your wisdom, your intuition, your inner navigation system, it’s there for you. Always.
I raced home from swimming class, packed bottles and formula and the clothes on our back and I left. I went. I took the risk and did it.
Now I’m way past the point of being feeling every intrusive thought that passes me by, but it’s still a little nerve racking the first time driving to grandpa’s house in the big smoke, because it’s a long drive.. and well.. it’s a long drive at 9 months old.
But anyway. I went. I finally went.
It. Was. Amazing. My bubs did SO well and I did too!! No tears for either of us and we were back on the boat homeward bound safe and sound.
We made it. All the way home. No tears at all. We actually had tons of fun! Tons and tons and tons of fun! We played peek-a-boo and sang and laughed and tickled. We waved and blew kisses and charmed everyone on the boat. We were both there for each other when the other was scared. We came together as a team, as a Mother and Cub. A pea and a pod.
What I learned from this lesson, this journey, this beautifully embraced risk, was that we are so much more capable than we know. Than we think. Than we innocently tell ourselves sometimes.Than we believe. Than we feel.
We need to believe in ourselves more. We need to give ourselves more credit. We need to trust in ourselves more. After all, we are life creating vessels who try their hardest for not only their little people but their big people too. We are selfless. We are giving. We are worthy. We are so far way beyond enough. We are not here to be perfect, either, we’re here to be human.
We honestly, rock. And we need to believe that more.
When we embrace our fears with love, the ones we get caught listening to but secretly know deep down aren’t true, we become capable of so much more than we know. We allow ourselves to step into our Warrior status and we lead the way with love. We lead with courage. We lead with the strength we don’t even know that we have.
We lead with our power because we are holding it dormant no longer. Our super, warrior, more than capable of great things power.
We are so much stronger and wiser than we know.
And Dear Warrior, this part is important: when you do not feel strong, give yourself permission to feel weak. That, is how you become strong.